


Without You

by KuraiTsuky



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: BOTFA compliant, Bilbo makes one last journey to Erebor, Bittersweet, Confessions, Depression, Feelings, For Thorinsmut, Inspired by Music, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Not Happy, Not recovered form BOTFA, Old Men Still in Love, Post Hobbit, Suicidal Thoughts, Without You by Ashes Remain, hope I can do the same, not fully at least, thank you for always making me fee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuraiTsuky/pseuds/KuraiTsuky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Hobbits live less than Dwarves, but every year since that day has felt like a thousand for him. A thousand years of running from a broken heart that has finally caught up with him.'</p><p>After the Council of Elrond, Bilbo travels one last time to Erebor to make peace with himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> My first work in The Hobbit fandom ever, I hope you like it guys.  
> It's heavily inspired by and shares the title with the song 'Without You' by Ashes Remain, but its NOT a songfic.  
> Enjoy!!  
> \- - - - - - - -

Bilbo looks down from the high walls of the mountain. It’s been only a few hours since he arrived in the greatest Kingdom of Middle Earth and he can already taste the desperation he’s tried so hard to fend away all this years.

  
Erebor wasn’t so bright or full of life when he first set his feet in his secret doorstep, but it felt more like home, because he got there with Him. Bilbo realizes that’s what he’s been looking for all these years in Bag End. The home he lost that day.

  
The pain that never left grows stronger, brighter like the moment his Blue eyes became dull killing the words he couldn’t get out of his throat in time. How many times has he repeated them all alone hoping, whishing with all his heart that somehow they would get to him; and still they feel forbidden in such a place.  
He falls to his knees; it’s the old guilt chocking him again.

  
The memories of all the things he couldn’t do grow stronger under the mountain. He misses old, broken Erebor. He misses what it meant to him. And he can’t help remember how he so stupidly expected to see Him waiting at the door.

  
Bitter tears run down Bilbo Baggins’ wrinkled face.

  
Hobbits live less than Dwarves, but every year since that day has felt like a thousand for him. A thousand years of running from a broken heart that has finally caught up with him. Only Frodo eased the burden, and now he’s lost him too. Is he condemned to loose everyone he cares for? He wonders. It’s always his fault, one way or another, in the end, he can’t save anyone. He couldn’t when he as in his prime, how could he now as a frail old man.  
Old man but not dead, and can’t but wonder why, why can’t he die already.

  
After struggling for a while, Bilbo gets up, again looking down from the battlements, remembering that other day and he wonders if he should finish the job. At that moment if there were any guards up there, they would see an ancient hobbit stepping up mere centimeters away from the abyss. His fingers barely holding the rock, his big haired feet half hanging. It would be so easy, to simply let go. To find release at last.

  
But he looks up to the bright blue sky and it’s like looking into His eyes. What would He think if He could see him no?  
Bilbo can’t just jump, no matter how much he wishes for release. He can’t jump because then who would remember the Dwarf he knew, he admired, he fought for. The Dwarf he Loved.

  
“Thorin” he whispers getting down, slowly walking back inside.

  
“Thorin” he’s finally surrendered to the storm he has kept at bay afraid it would break him. But it isn’t breaking him, at last Bilbo realizes he broke that day, when he couldn’t get those words out just in time.

  
“Thorin” the way to the tomb is difficult, every step harder than the last, but when he arrives is more than worth it because he can finally see his face again, even if it’s made of stone, when he touches he almost can feel the warmth of the flesh.  
“Thorin…thank you” he says in a murmur, Bilbo can’t bring himself to confess those other words, they are edged so deep in his soul that giving them up would be like losing the last thing he has form Him, form his Thorin.

  
He is so tired of keeping all inside…

  
Bilbo sits down by Thorin’s side and starts talking, and as he bares his life he can feel a warm breeze surrounding him, as if he’s being listened to, as if someone is holding him.  
Bilbo Baggins leaves the mountain the next morning. The pain is still with him; his heart is still heavy with feeling, but this time the way back doesn’t feel so wrong. Of all the things in his life, the last one is the one that will bring him happiness.

  
Bilbo hopes death will come for him soon.

  
In the meantime, he waits for Him.


End file.
